“Cowardly Brave”

I told my husband about my blog last night.

As is true with so many of my writing projects, the idea for this blog rattled around in my head for many a month before it became reality.  And as is also true with my writing, I kept it all to myself.  I find that as an artist, I am an amazing coward.  I am a pianist whose crippling stage fright keeps me from playing for my dearest friends.  I am a singer whose throat tightens up when I sing alone (thankfully, I am OK in a choir).  And I am a writer who hides my pages and notebooks in a drawer or under my sweaters.

Art touches something…something raw and personal.  It opens you to others in a way that other things cannot.  And when the subject of that art is rape, the self-disclosure is even more intense and scary.

Hence, my reluctance to share.  And my anonymous blog.  So anyway, back to my husband 🙂  I said, “I’ve started a blog.  It’s about my rape.  It’s about Mark”.  (Mark is of course not my rapist’s real name).

“Are you sure you want to do that?” he replied.  “Won’t that get back to people you know?”  I assured him that I had layered the blog in a veil of secrecy that would do James Bond proud and felt reasonably sure that none of my actual information would get out.  “That’s awfully brave of you”, he said.  I told him I didn’t feel very brave, rather I felt pretty cowardly because I cannot possibly imagine sharing this story with actual people I know.  The thought makes my chest tighten up.  “Cowardly-brave?”, I suggested.  “But I want to share and try to help others.  It’s too important.”

He gave me a big hug and said, “No.  Not cowardly.  You are amazingly brave.”

It was a good feeling 🙂

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Liv
    May 24, 2012 @ 22:16:28

    You are amazing. And I totally understand why you want to keep it private – it is so much easier to tell your deepest secrets to total strangers than your nearest and dearest. My blog contains a lot of fluff and even then i didn’t want to tell people – so far I’ve only told 4 friends and only them because they are “PLU” – People Like Us! I hope your blog provides you with the outlet you are seeking xx

    Reply

    • Aimee
      May 24, 2012 @ 22:30:52

      Thanks Liv for your comment. You’re my first official commenter! I feel so bloggish now 🙂 I don’t feel amazing, but I’m glad to have a way to let these things out. I hope you keep reading.

      Reply

  2. unladylikemusings
    May 24, 2012 @ 22:52:41

    Aimee, I appreciate this post because I can understand the difficulty in sharing one’s story. I have never shared mine. I think about it often but then become overwhelmed with panic. So, yes, I do think you are brave. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

    • Aimee
      May 24, 2012 @ 22:58:18

      Thanks for your comment, unladylikemusings. I love your blog and the things that you do share. I know that panicky feeling well. I had it when I first told my husband, just a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wish it was easier to share in “real” life. There have been many times when I could have been supportive of someone or told someone off who was way off base (a co-worker once told me that date rape doesn’t exist), and I kept it to myself out of fear. Maybe one day 🙂

      Reply

  3. Shannon MacLeod
    May 24, 2012 @ 23:25:58

    You are very brave, no cowardly about it. Thank you for putting your thoughts out there – you never know who your words will touch or even encourage to share – and hopefully lessen – their own pain.

    Reply

  4. Claire Cappetta
    May 26, 2012 @ 21:55:46

    Incredibly brave, not cowardly at all! I hope you have a wonderful journey with your blog. I believe you’ll find people are totally supportive of you! Well done and congrats on having the bravery to open up about it!

    Reply

  5. iamginamarie
    Jun 28, 2014 @ 23:48:06

    Yep, amazingly brave!

    Reply

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