The Questions of Children

My heart is heavy today after the conversations I was forced to have with the children I teach. I teach in a low-income, racially diverse elementary school just across the border to a large city. My students have various learning disabilities, but they are astute and curious about the world around them.

On Monday, we held a mock election and the children were very excited to be a part of the election hooplah. Many voted for one candidate or the other for childlike reasons…”She’s a girl”, “I like the boy”, “She has a blue jacket on and I like blue.” Others voted based on what they have heard their parents saying. A few voted their own conscience, against how they knew their parents were voting.

As always happens during an election year, my students ask me who I plan to vote for. Of course, I maintain neutrality and tell them that voting is a secret process and you do not need to share your vote with anyone. I never ask who they voted for. This year, their questioning was more insistent and had a greater purpose.

They were attempting to figure out what their place would be in Trump’s America. They were carefully watching the television and they were scared by what they saw. To a child, all of my students confided in me that they did not like Donald Trump and that he scared them.

Election Night Triggers

As I write this, it is 12:37 on November 9. The nation is still biting their nails awaiting the decision of the 2016 Presidential election. It is looking more and more like Donald Trump will be our next president. By morning, this may somehow be different, but I am going to publish this now before we know.

I do not know how this election season has been for other rape and abuse survivors, but it has been awful for me. I have been in a near constant state of trigger for months. Donald Trump has so many personality traits that take me right back to the behavior of Mark, my abuser and rapist. His flippant “jokes” that he laughs off as sarcasm. His threatening attitude toward everyone. His quick-tempered anger. His actual threats of violence. His demeaning treatment of women. His habit of hurling personal insults at people who disagree with him. His superficial charm that sucks some people in.

I was particularly triggered by the comments that were broadcast about Alicia Machado, the former Miss Universe. I saw a video of him at the gym, watching Ms. Machado working out, laughing at her and saying how she “loves to eat”. This is how Mark acted toward me. Insulting and putting me down for superficial physical attributes, but doing so in a laughing manner so that he could always fall back on the “I was just joking. Why can’t you take a joke?” remark.

Then came the “locker room talk” incident. I can’t even go into that. It got so that simply hearing the phrase “locker room banter” set my heart racing and gave me that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Here was a man who might soon be president, bragging openly about committing sexual assault. And it was on TV every night, every day, over and over and over. If I turned off the TV, it was on Facebook. If I turned off Facebook, it came up in conversation with colleagues. I absolutely could not escape it. This was the worst.

Almost as bad was the way people have been talking with each other. The vitriol and anger that has been out there, on both sides, made my heart hurt. The open racism, the open misogyny…from people I thought were friends, and from family members. It’s like the nation has turned into the Jerry Springer show and suddenly everyone feels it is OK to say anything. Because Trump does.

I thought that, one way or another, it would all be over today. I woke up with a huge knot in my stomach. I burst into tears for no real reason this morning. But I went through my day. I went to work. I voted. And I made it through.

But how will I be able to handle four years of seeing this man on TV every single day? What will he say? What will he tweet? Who will he hurt? More importantly, what will we as an American people turn into? For me, it is like my rapist has come out of the depths of my past and is now in complete power over me. This is the most triggered I have been in years.

I have been trying to find refuge in my family, a big bowl of ice cream, pictures of kittens, videos of dancing baby goats, and now in my writing.

Am I the only one who is experiencing this? I heard that RAINN experienced a big upsurge in calls to the hotline after the “locker room” incident. I wonder if this is still true.

Hold tight if you are feeling like me. Know that I am sending you virtual hugs and keeping you in my thoughts. We shall see what the morning brings, my friends.